Meditation healing the child within

I have been stoke for a very long time probably generations with this inner battle parent child the conflict has been passed on and I have vivid memories of my mother struggling with her mother.

This can finally stop it requires efforts and willingness to let go at  this heavy memory package and family loyalty reconnecting as a parent within and being in touch with the wounded child guiding and reparenting has allowed me to collapse time and to wave my final goodbyes to the past or the burden that I have held on to so tight. I am not going to bury souls anymore but have all memories disappear into this vast ocean of my heart.

The best or the worse thing that can ever happen to you is the way you feel about yourself.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family is far from being easy however I find it so hard to have sympathy for myself and others just like me.

The voice that helped me survive as a child when I was home alone and terrified for very long periods of time while my parents disappeared.

When I was on the floor picking myself up from having been  hurt by my father’s rage.

When I was standing on my knees with my hands on my head untill my parents finally tought that I had been punished enough.

The list is long i am gonna stop but that voice doesnt, it keeps telling me the same thing over and over again.

“No one likes you, forget about everyone, no one is ever going to love you, just keep going” or “don’t worry if everyone abandons you, you are not likeable anyway, get the punishment when it comes but no matter what just keep going”.

Do not let yourself be taken by weakness keep breathing keep going.

At school I would already assume that everyone would behave the way my parents did with me. Leaving me behind, giving me no attention and if there was any it would be aggressive and hurtful. Not interested, and too busy to hear what I wanted and needed.

I would quickly looked around me and knew that my presence would turn everyone’s eyes away and so I would do exactly what I did at home. Sit in a corner wait quietly, very little movement just in case it would attract someone’s attention and I would get punished for it.

Do I really need to go back there? A lot of people tell not to that it is past and gone and going back in it would only be a waste or could bring me down.

However  since I am doing the ACA program I am aware that all that do is a conditioned and reenacted pattern from this very early dark stage in my life. So I ask myself “have I ever left that dark place in my mind? Have I ever moved on? Do i like myself now? Or do I still feel the way I did when my parents themselves were in a very dark place?

A couple of days ago I clearly discovered that there are moments, mostly when I am not in my right mind and that I feel fearful, if I am standing in front of my husband I am not looking at him, I am not seeing him at all.

All I see is my father and the problem that I have never solved with him. All I say is all the things that I wish I had said to him. All I do is trying to solve the unresolved problem that I had with him.

I believe is that my father did not like having me around, not because of me, but because I was a responsibility that he could not handle. At times I even think that my husband may feel the way my dad felt about me and I feel so fearful in those moments.

Today life shows me that I am still angry at my father and my mother for not wanting me  in there lives as I was growing up, for not taking good care of me and for deeply hurting me .

Today I really would like to believe that if my parents did not like being around me it was not because of me it was not my fault.

There are moments when I do not want to be around my child and I feel so guilty and ashamed of  this that I am very tempted to blame, her or my life for the way that I feel. I remember vaguely when I was 6 once praying to God with my brother to change my parents or to give us better one and  when I saw that this would never happen I felt this deep sadness and strong rage within thinking so fearful that God had abandoned me that he had turned his back on me and could not hear me

More importantly I don’t have to convince my parents or my past to like me, or to treat me better now. I do not have to change or rewrite the dark period with them asking them to do it all over again without all the drama.

I do not even have to let them know about the pain that feel for them abandoning me and being abusive.

I know in my heart  that this is revengeful, and justifying a never-ending circle of hate and bitterness.

What I need to go back for is simply to offer myself that opportunity to move on and to believe that I am absolutely loveable and worthy, that I am not the problem but solution even if for  so long that solution was asleep awaiting for me to be ready for reawakening it.

The only thing that could ever possibly go wrong now is the way I feel about myself.

I am braking through the old dysfunctional patterns of dealing with myself and life’s movements and changes and crises.

It does not have to be something that is against me fighting me hating me but a simple chalange for myself so that the opening of my heart never stops so that I never get stoke into a static state which seems to waste and show up into a drastic frame limited into a short time of suffering into a trapped space which I called my life here on earth.

Loving, trusting and not abandoning myself is reopening my heart and my mind to the unlimited, it is removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence it is broken through the old dysfunctional patterns, and this is all that is left here for me to do. That is my purpose and I know that only that love heals and communicates to all hearts that just like me fell asleep for a moment but also had the burning desire to bring it back to life.

My life begins and the best or the worse thing that could possibly happen to me is the way I feel about myself no matter what.

God did not abandon me I know this in my heart, He has no expectations on me, I do not have to be religious or doing anything to prove to him that I worthy of his love and that He does not have to abandoned me. I can simply asked to be reminded to love myself and others the way God loves me.

Surviving Mechanisms

Six month ago I went through the questions and inventories in step six of the Adult children program, and only today I am catching up with what this really means and how my life is changing around working this step.

Through this step I looked at various ways that I made up as a child and ever since while growing up.

These ways, which ACA calls survival traits, seemed at the time reasonable and working well as a protecting devise.

However today  these survival traits are heavy and work against me.

As a result of using and protecting them I am very slowly closing my heart and my mind.

My whole life and the best of me is used up and depends on protecting what has become these self destructing paternS.

In the past I knew something needed to shift in me I felt stoke in this static and dark energy which made almost everthing that I did conflictual and heavy.

The pain of knowing that something was very unhealthy, was gradualy growing inside me, just like cancer does.

At this point I knew somewhere, that if I did not make a sudden stop and a fast Uturn on that dying road that I was on  the result would be fatal.

A little before I made this discovery for myself even though I was not aware of this decision at the time, somehow I tried  my best to delay my recovery by bringing into this unhealthy picture, a layer looking like a spiritual teacher  of a course in Miracles to hide the messy state that I was in.

The ACA program like nothing has in the past, takes me by the hand very gently and helps me to slow down safely, and to look beyond the layer that covers these dark spots.

These survival traitS are being brought to my attention.

Here I am staring at the result of how the genuis  control and manipulation and perfectionism is helping me to hold onto and  protect this survival mode  shows me exactly how progressivly it moves in me like A growing desease that wants to take me down.

On this page I would like to share about some of my survival traits and how I used them and how it is now without them.

Being defensive or attacking.

Finding very smart and genius ways to make a point and justify my defenses.

Dishonesty, being afraid of angry people, wanting to people please or to make myself look good or because I am afraid of how others may react towards me.

Making myself invisible but then being resentful for not being seen and for being left out.

Procrastinating.

Not following through having to run and move on to something new to keep myself thinking an d feeling that i am doing ok.

Running away from taking care of myself when it involves pain and discomfort.

Making it comfortable so that I ignore the pain and the fear that is hiding within me.

Avoiding saying what i really need or want not to hurt others feelings.

Finding security in chaotic and dangerous or abusive situations and partners.

Staying around and fighting an angry person thinking that the person would change or hear what i have to say.

Eating fast and at others rhythm and abandoning myself in doing so.

Taking on blame and letting myself being ashamed by others thinking i deserve it.

Being over responsible.

Abandoning myself and others.

finding friends and comfort around people who abandoned me or say they would leave me if they don’t have full control and power over me.

Sabotaging.

Relying on others judgment of what i do and ignoring my own statement on what I do well.

criticising and putting myself down myself.

Not forgiving myself for making mistakes and being very hard.

Freezing flying or fighting around angry people.

Cutting off communication.

Bringing a solution  to a struggle forcefully through drama.

Trying to resolve past issues in my present relationships.

Sometime it feels like the last thing I want is to be free.

There are moments when it feels like the last thing I want is to be free. Master Teacher of a course in Miracles teaches “Love your tumor”, “love your cancer”.

Today I have come face to face with this amasing question. What is My Cancer?

In other words, what is that desease that keeps me chained up endlessly to this unresolvable patern of pain and conflict which seems to take away the freedom to be happy limittlessly?

I asked this question to myself this morning, and very clearly I was shown something incredible.

I was shown, first of all, that my cancer looks like, causing pain to myself hurting myself and  using others to hurtme further. Using my relationships to be in conflict and remain in pain. And secondly and most importantly I am starting to see for the first time that  I am making a conscious choice, and I really want to insiste in those two words “conscious choice” to be in pain and to be with someone who will help me feeding that pain.

How ever insane this may sound, this realisation has, for the first time, helped me to trully hear, that to love my cancer, or the painful patern of causing myself endless conflict calling it love, or the lack of money I seem to struggle with endleslly, is to know that first this cancer is not a accident.

I am not the victim of that cancer and so of course I am doing it to myself.

How I heal this is by  becoming one with it, to own it back, to know that it is mine and to love it entirelly by handing  it over to all possibilities that this can disapear if I chose so.

I am in love with the pain that I inflict upon myself. I am making a conscious choice to be in relationships that are going to hurt me.

I am making a conscious choice to remain in pain so that I dont have to experience the true freedom and happyness that awaits me.

 

Abandoning the child within.

Abandoning the child within.

Abandoning myself, but also relying on the belief, that somehow, there is something that i am guilty of, and so I deserve to be left out pushed away and rejected by the world.

Mostly I have set myself up to make sure that I never get to know who I am.

I have set myself up for endless repetitive cycles of coming together with life, with myself ,into this boastfulness of pure joy and pure love that unfortunately has an end.

That end, has never brought me to the other side where I was able see that the cycle, without me noticing a thing, had been removed from me .

The other side  is where, what I discover is myself in abundance of pure and eternal life feeling safe ,feeling that even if everyone has left, I have made peace with myself and being alone is no longer terrifying.

I no longer have to tell myself that the world, or my parents, my family, my spiritual teachers, my partner, all have abandoned me.

I am no longuer static in the belief that I am a victime.

The excuse that  I was abandoned into this cruel and unsafe world, where everyone is  striving endlesly for perfection and comfort where it is impossible, sound like a broken record.

It seriously brought me to think of it as an extremely  good excuse to push myself further away from the truth.

The truth is that I now have the chance to drop this fearful games that I play with myself and start learning how to become my own best friend.

I was accidentally dropped into a place where feeling abandoned or feeling unsafe is possible.

That belief is what has kept me locked up in this endless cycles of meeting up with people or situations, that feels great to with start with but seems to end with a feeling of having been abandoned.

I am probably thinking that this time I am going to be safe, that this time I am not going to be left out and guess what I always end up right were it all started and ended, at that very same spot.

This terifying moment when everyone and everything seemed to have left me and I was insanely able to believe that every one had rightfully abandoned me, including love, including all possibilities, including God, this very same spot, was my companion, my loved one, my leader, my role model for as long as I can remember here on earth.

Authority figures in my life have this particular role for me, they are depressed, unreliable, angry, proud to ask for help, they pull you in to push you away, no interest in you what so ever, but most importantly they abuse and abandon.

Recently I have been able to see that a child relies entirely on its parents however the shape, they take on the role of the authority figure, from then on any one at any age who triggers a pattern recognised in their own parent child relationship  becomes to them even if they are not conscious of it, an authority figure.

The parent is like God to his or her child no matter how brutal and unsafe no matter how incredible, it still remains a life model and the child will relie on that model for its own protection and comfort and will project that model throughout his or her life .

God is also perceived in the manner that a child perceived the parent and that leads a lot of the time to the belief that God is cruel and unsafe, and by all means living an unhealthy and unsafe or abuse life seems to be the most natural thing to do.

When I pray, when I desire something, I ask and pray to the god who cruelly raised me up.

fortunately I became more and more intolerant of the pain of being stoke into this endless cycles of birth and all new and pretty, so it would all finish with in death disappointment leaving me with this terrible fear and belief that I had been abandoned.

That is not life, my parents are not God, the safety that I knew when I was growing up does not have to be what I want to experience in my life today.

Feelings and situations to dissociate from

This tendency to focus on others so I never really find out much about her. My little girl my inner child. Sometime I feel that she has her own secret world and she is not letting me in. Perhaps she doesn’t have too but the fear that I may get into it, is, I feel unhealthy. When I ask her to tell me about what she did at school during the day she tells me her whole schedule, and hour by hour what she did but she does not tells me how it really went for her how she felt about it all. When ever I stop and check with her how she is doing and how she feels she seems to looks for something to distract me and her so she does not have to answer and to see what she is feeling.  It is almost as if she consciously chooses to dissociate from what she feels. Why is it painful? or is it shameful to communicate openly about how she feels, or maybe she only feels in the moment and then it is gone but is it really? and I did that a lot as a child and adult too.  I am finding it very hard to see this pattern appearing in my child now.

Feeling secure and certain of who I trully am!!!!!

When I forget who I am beyond “the character” I seem to feel stoke with being in an imprisoned into an auto distructive paterns of behaviours. Believing that I am a victime of this state of being. Playing a role as a human identity born to suffer and or to stive for  any kind of plaisure, in a world that sees everything as an opposition or as a threat thefore in separation.  I feel the pain of that separation I feel the pain of not remembering who I am trully.

Now my questions to the Holly mind that knows beyond all limits is, what am I suppose to do with the pain?

How do I get to stay consistantly in that state of being beyond the body form that I am.

Knowing myself in and out.

I have signed up for 30 days to be at the academy and my goal is integration.

My goal is to stay in a constant state of grace and master my focus on what is true on being one.

I have no problem connecting within but then as soon as there is a lot going on arround me I get distracted and lose focus on my connection and I get completly lost in the reflections that I get.

I become fearfull and I start operating from the survival mode.

I eat like if was dying of hunger.

I react as if everyone were trying to kill me, my mind is constantly chatting repeating the same fearfull thought over and over again.

I forget all about myself spending time alone having fun reading writing painting being creative.

I push myself away I find it impossible to go home and be with myself and recenter and so I recycle my energy through other’s bright energy thinking that I am all ok because I am well surounded.

When I am alone I get hipper crititcal of myself I have this endless inner fight I  am scaning for conflct in past situations or on what others seemed to have done to me, I am defending or attacking I am a victime and I spend my time with myself seeking for revenge seeking for critism of myself and everyone else.

That is why I hate being by myself because it is so conflictual I can not do anything great for myself I spend all my energy and creative mind analising and scanning conflict.

Knowing this and being aware of it is amasing but having this compltly wiped out of my DNA and habit is something else.

Now I am spending all my energy and my potential on having this out of my system.

This is what I would call a return to my source or giving my life to God. What I have imposed on myself is a limited being and having this removed would place me and return my mind and my heart to the unlimited and that is God for me, UNLIMITED in all.

control over the way I feel or the way my closest feel.

I thought that being controling  was about telling others what you want them to do excatly  and have them do it whether they want it or not. I have learned to step back from this particular  patern.

However I recognise now that since my child was born I have been mastering on how to control what she feels and making sure she feels what I want her to feel.

I was completly petrified of the idea that my child should ever feel or experience pain and discomfort and lonelyness because as a child these feelings where very much alive in me and I became exausted by them to the point that I would have any thing possible for her not to go through what I went through.

So I made and organised a life arround myself and my child where all my energy was directed and centered so that she would get all the comfort and the plaisure she needed.

I went completly out of my ways so that she would never feel sad upset angry alone afraid. I had no energy to do anything in my life but this and the bigger she became the harder I had to work.

This control was taken out of my hand I have willingly hand it over and now it feel ccompletly chaotic and I feel devasted because that was how I was able to keep her safe from ever experiencing uncovered paterns of familly disfunctions that was carried celularly for hundred.s of years from one generation to another.

Without this ability to control I am so afraid that I am going to behave and bring my child exactly how she was brought up and that is the last thing I ever wanted.

So now she is free to experience and feel her sadness her disapointments her unger her resentments her lonelyness her missing me without me becoming so fearfull that she would be damaged if I had to let her feel all the devastations that people feel sometime in this world.

Her being free in this is like me being free also… she can spend time by herself and feel lonely some time and that is ok.

I can say no to her and it is ok for her to  feel the disapointment of it.

I can say bye to her without running away because I feel uncomfortable when she cries and tells me “dont leave me mumy”.

I no longuer have to let her take the right to  be in charge and in control of our life so she can feel happy and comfortable at all time.

I can have friends and when she does not like it well I dont have to be afraid of it I can just let her feel this.

The roles we give ourselves and eachother

I saw a french movie last night and at some points it highlighted some issues I have have been stoke with for a while.

I have  always somewhere withing me wondered how long it was possible to Play a role before I discover that I cant paly it anymore before I find myself  being or feeling stoke in that role and as result it becomes absolutly unmanagable.

In my case my roles as a daughter or a partner  a friend and now a mother seem to good to be true but always end s becoming  big strugle. I learned as child growing up that running away from responsibility was ok. Life becomes too hard and droping a mask and a role no matter how painfull it becomes for the people around me who would play along with me is the conclusion.

But now I am ready to say ok let lift the mask lets drop the role but love and taking full responsibilities and following through commitment are not to be taken lightly.

I had this moment where I just had enough playing the wife and the mother I simply wanted to be me and not the thing that is attached to all sorts of false ideas and idols and a past.

The idea of running away and not being a mother any more so I could be free of all obligations that comes with being a mother came clearly to my mind. I felt so so so guilty because I once critisised other mothers who did this saying I would never fell or do this to my child.

Now I realise that this idea crosses every one’s mind and it is not about running away from the thought or being a mother but simply being honest for a moment and say clearly what I feel in that devastation and let it pass and it passes without the need to stop being a mother.

What falls away is the frustration and all the guilt that comes along with it.

Once in that state of desparation and devastation if the parent can express, which I did, one way or an other how he or she feels and the child hears and see sees honestly that being a parent is not always fun and easy, that might also be devastating,  but I was close to my child and we stood in the middle of this together and when it passed through I was still present able to give her the love and reasurance she needed in that moment. That is honest there is no need to run away and to give the responsibility up.